The primary mistake with abusers is to reinforce their victim identity by:
- Emphasizingchildhoodor other experiences in which they were mistreated
- Validating their resentment andangeras “appropriate,” which validates the distorted perspectives that go with anger and resentment
- Reinforcing their sense of entitlement —they should be respected, which, to them, means their partners must submit
- Confronting them inshame-inducing ways, before they learn to regulate shame with compassion
The primary mistake with victims is urging them to think and sound like abusers.